


Fart Machine Bingo

by Agent Purple Pants (fannyvonfabulus)



Series: Is This The Real Life?  Is This Just Fantasy? [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, I REGRET NOTHING, NOTHING I TELL YOU, OFC buys a remote controlled fart machine, much hilarity and childish behaviour ensues, this is what happens when I dust of the fart machine at work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-05 19:20:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1097664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fannyvonfabulus/pseuds/Agent%20Purple%20Pants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vix buys a fart machine to pass the time on set and the boys join in.</p><p>Because farts are always, ALWAYS funny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fart Machine Bingo

**Author's Note:**

> So, i own a remaote controlled fart machine and sometimes I get it out at work when I'm bored, like today when my partner in crime happened to be in the office.
> 
> As the tears of uncontrollable laughter rolled down my face after we ‘farted’ our boss, all i could think was ‘i’m sure all the gorgeous actors & actresses i’m madly in love with wouldn’t approve of this. Its so unbelievably juvenile.’
> 
> Then i realised that i don’t actually give a fuck because farts are always, ALWAYS funny and if they wouldn’t be able to join in then they’re not worth it because, and I repeat, farts are ALWAYS funny.
> 
> Then i had an image in my head of me, Evans, Downey, Hiddles & Renner all hiding somewhere while we ‘farted’ people on set of a Marvel film.
> 
> Yeah. That shit would be fucking HILARIOUS.
> 
> This is what i spend my days doing and thinking about.
> 
> I am ridiculous.
> 
> And i don’t even care.

“For fuck’s sake Evans, you fucking _amateur!_ ” I hiss at Chris as he once again completely fucks it up.  “You have to wait until they’re actually walking past it before you the button.”

“Alright, alright, _sheesh_ ,” Chris grumbles, evading my grabbing hands that are after the remote and turns one of his pouts on me.  “Just one more go.  Promise I’ll get it right this time.  _Pleeeeease?”_

“You better dude because she’s not letting us out of here until you get it right,” Jeremy mutters, rolling his eyes but making no move to leave the tiny space we’ve managed to wedge ourselves into between a load of scenery and the shell of a burnt out car.

“And what, pray, are the 3 of you up to?” Robert’s voice interrupts the bickering and Chris shoots out an arm to drag him into hiding with us.  He settles himself in between Jeremy and me without so much as a raised eyebrow at having been dragged and squashed into a gap that currently contains 3 adults but was really only big enough for 2.

“Sshh, you’ll see,” Chris whispers and he presses the only button on the tiny remote in his hand which is followed by the muffled sound of someone farting and a very confused and embarrassed looking  crew member about 5 metres away from our hiding place.  This time Chris has got the timing right and he fist bumps the air as Jeremy and me dissolve into giggles for the millionth time today.

“Seriously?  A fart machine?  _That’s_ what the 3 of you are doing wedged in here?” Robert says as his eyebrows disappear into his hairline and he shakes his head.

“And your point is.....?” I ask, arching an eyebrow of my own.

“A fart machine? Really? And you’re how old.....?”

“You and I both know that farts are always, _always_ funny,” I sniff with a little false distain.

“Always,” Chris nods sagely.

“Yup. _Always_ funny,” Jeremy adds.

“Fair enough.  Now hand me that remote.”

For the next half an hour, the 4 of us crouch in our hiding place and manage to ‘fart’ about 6 people and it doesn’t take long to have Robert giggling like an 8 year old along with the rest of us.

“Best $12 I ever fucking spent,” I wheeze as Jeremy manages to catch Scarlett as she walks past.  She scowls in our general direction but there’s a hint of a smile there too.  She’s no stranger to the game and is usually hiding behind some bit of scenery with us while we play.

“You cracked open the fart machine and you didn’t invite me? For shame...” Tom’s shadow followed by his voice fills the tiny gap we’re all hiding in.  “Shove up, I want in.”

We all grumble as Tom somehow squeezes himself into the tiniest gap possible and grabs the remote from Jeremy.

“Have you got Joss yet?  How many points for him?” Tom asks, squinting out at where the machine is hidden.

“No, not yet but it’s 1000 points and a bottle of single malt for whoever manages it,” I answer.  We’ve never managed to get Joss with this game so the first one to do so was in for the grand prize.

“Who’s winning?” Tom whispers, scanning the bits of the soundstage that he can see from his awkward vantage point.

“Vix is,” Chris mutters, clearly not happy about it.  “Like always.”

Tom and I grin at each other because we both know that I’m so far undefeated at this game when it comes to playing with other people, despite the fact that I have yet to bag the elusive Mr Whedon.

“Why don’t you just go and move the machine so that it’s under his chair or something?” Robert asks and there’s a collective sigh from the rest of us.  “What?”

“Oh Robert.  I can see that you are unfamiliar with the game of Fart Machine Bingo,” I muse and Robert sticks his tongue out at me.  “You have to pick a spot that most people walk past then lie in wait.  Moving it around to the easiest places would be too easy and now where near as fun. “

“Plus it makes all the waiting round time go a lot faster if you’re strategic about machine placement,” Tom adds.

“Then you have to fill in your imaginary bingo card,” Jeremy continues.  “It goes: 6 crew members, 4 producers, 2 cast members and 1 director.”

“Crew members are 250 points each, producers 300 each, cast 500 and director 1000,” Chris finishes.  “So far Vix is in the lead with 3 crew, all 4 producers, and both cast.”

“Well technically, Tom is in the lead,” I correct.  “We’ve been playing this since I brought the machine 6 months ago and he’s 500 points ahead.”

“That doesn’t count – we weren’t playing then,” Chris pouts again and it’s adorable. 

“Whatever,” I wave my hand in dismissal.  “Mine and Tom’s game will stretch into forever so for today’s purposes, with the 5 of us, the game is for the duration of this entire shoot, deal?”

“Deal!” Comes the answer from all 4 of them and we settle back down to carry on playing.


End file.
